The Retired Biker Housewife

Great excerpts from, Ride the Warrior's Fury, a biker fiction novel about The Devil's Deacons MC of Long Beach, Cal. No run of the mill biker momma; she tells her side of the stories and legends of real bikers and why Old School is best.

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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Big Fatty (In Memory of Gary - R.I.P.)

           Big Fatty, fka Gunny Goodal, USMC, became a major character in Nancy's book by accident when she grew to love the fat fuck. He's based on my memories of one of the best guys I ever knew in the Pacific NW. His name was  Gary, but we just called him The Fat Man. Gary was an old HA 1%er and there will never be a more fat, politically incorrect filthy-talkin funny guy to match him. He was so fat he had special-ordered coveralls made for him and that's all he ever wore. He loved his little dogs and let them share his plate right up on the table. The huge ogre slept in a canopy bed and liked stuffed animals. He always got me laughing the most whenever he heard someone mention something about their old ladies not putting out. In a deep gravelly voice he'd say, "Choke the bitch. Choke them bitches hard enough and they'll  all fuck!" What was especially ironic about this piece of advice is that his wife took care of him with great loyalty. They both harped on each other with unconditional love. Here again is Nancy's Introduction of Big Fatty going to a run:


          The eyes of his fat hairy face were covered with World War II Japanese aviator goggles and a black cape cut from an old tarp billowed out behind him.  Everyone near the entrance to the run looked up as they saw the approach of the huge bulk of Big Fatty. He was riding a Corvair powered trike and despite the fact that it had a custom over-sized seat, his butt cheeks sagged over each side practically hiding the heavily padded seat.  Theo trailed behind, trying to keep up while still hanging back enough to avoid  coughing on the big man's dust.

          As Big Fatty got closer, his gravelly booming voice bellowed out,“ Hey all you mother fuckers, the party can start now, Captain Good Guy is here!” 


          Everyone laughed even though they’d seen Big Fatty make this same entrance every year since the run had begun.  They all loved the often cranky old bastard. And Big Fatty loved runs. Except for getting up to go get more food, more beer or to take another leak, Big Fatty traditionally held court from the seat of his trike telling a non- stop string of filthy jokes, tales of past runs, club legends and other biker exploits, some made up, some were even true.  Unlike most of the guys, Big Fatty didn’t camp on the ground or in a tent. He would wait for the chase van to be emptied and throw his bed roll in there to sleep. 


          Each year, Big Fatty got fatter. The year it took four guys to help him get up off the ground, was the last year he ever attempted it again. Plus, it was dangerous to go to sleep or pass out too early if you were in a place anyone could find you and Big Fatty ate and drank so much that this posed a real hazard. He’d seen guys get pissed on or have other disgusting things done to him when they passed out or went to sleep too early, some he’d even participated in, and he wasn’t going to chance this happening to him.


Until I pull out some more excerpts from Ride the Warrior's Fury (especially the ones Nancy didn't post because she thought they were too foul for the general public)... I'm just sayin,


over and out until next time,


Scootertrash

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Nancy Frye-Swope (Best old lady a scooter tramp can have)

Dear Readers of The Retired Biker Housewife,

          Nancy is experiencing some health problems that are escalating to the point where she can't sit in a chair long, or use a keyboard or mouse at all. I'm her old man, Marshall Swope...that low down and dirty biker husband she's told you about in her blogs. I've helped her and even collaborated with her on her novel, Ride the Warrior's Fury, and love it as much as she does. So, with Nancy's support, I'm going to keep you updated here on The Retired Biker Housewife Blog.

          I'm not as politically correct as Nancy and on occasion can be downright dirty as I rant and rave on my soapbox. But she will keep me in check. 

          I'm an old-school, ultra-conservative, gun toting, freedom fighting old soldier and dirty biker, so get over it and ride along without whining. I'm proud to say that Nancy has based one of her Devil's Deacons's characters, Kurt Schwab, on me and I've finished helping her with some logistics of being a tank commander in Viet Nam. So look out for a bit on Kurt next. 

Over and out until next time,

Scootertrash

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Gunny John Goodall, USMC - The Chosin Few

What follows is an excerpt from, Ride the Warrior's Fury. Big Fatty tries to explain to Kerrie, a girl whose ambition is to be a warrior, the horrors of the worst battle he'd ever experienced and how the warrior life made him a changed man:

     “What’s the worse battle I ever was in? Why that’s easy girl. The end of 1950 at the God damned Chosin in Korea. I been through Guadalcanal, Okinawa and others, but that shit paled next to fightin at the Chosin Reservoir. Now don’t get me wrong; that hellhole Guadalcanal turned out bad enough and long enough to drive any man crazy. But at the Chosin, we fought our way into and out of that frozen hell hole. The coldest winter I ever lived through too, or hoped to ever live through. I can’t abide the cold to this day. At first we were the Chosin Few, but when it was all said and done, they called us the Frozen Chosen.”

(Source: http://www.defenselink.mil/news/Dec2000/n12072000_200012071.html A column of troops and armor of the 1st Marine Division move through communist Chinese lines during their successful breakout from the Chosin Reservoir in North Korea.

     
      Kerrie said, “Worse than any other battle, Big Fatty - how?”

     “Jesus, my men were droppin like flies. If we weren’t gettin blown up, shot or picked off by snipers, we froze like popsicles. I’ll never forget the unending mud and torrential rain and those sneakin Japanese at Guadalcanal, but at the Chosin, shit, we couldn’t drop our pants to take a crap without freezin our cocks and balls off.”

     Big Fatty shivered. “Fuck, I get cold all over just thinkin about it. And Christ Almighty, the fuckin chinks were everywhere; every fuckin rock, pebble or boulder and every God damned bush n blade o grass, hordes of em.”

     Big Fatty looked right at Kerrie but he gazed through and past her. “Tried to tell us they were North Korean; bullshit, I know a God damned chink when I see one, doesn’t take a fuckin genius.” He grimaced and continued. “You know girl, sometimes it seems I been killin or dealin with some kind of gook all my life so yeah, I can tell the difference between a Jap, a Korean and a Chinaman. A Chinaman, his head slopes more and his eyes slit more, and he’s yellower than the rest of em and he dresses in those God damned padded pajamas.  Fuck, I hate a Chink.  Didn’t even like em when I shipped out to North China after Double You, Double You Two and spent near two years there; sneaky bastards they are, sneaky.”

     “When did the worst of it start, Big Fatty?”
 
     “That October, that damned Prima Donna, MacArthur ordered the 1st Marine Division to march to the Yalu River on the border of North Korea and China. They told us we’d be home for Christmas but huh, I knew better; I could smell it. That dumb ass MacArthur completely rejected the threat of Chinese troops entering the war.  Finally, so-called official rumors of Chinese crossin the Yalu started comin in. Estimates were way low, though. The fuckin Chi-Coms showed up in the central mountains, surprising the hell out of thousands of American Army troops and over-runnin em. Those troops tried to make it out alive, but most didn’t; they were massacred.

Source: http://www.history.army.mil/brochures/kw-chinter/chinter.htm U.S. Army Center of Military History
      Some fuck heads were still tryin to tell us these were North Koreans or just a small force of Chinese protecting the Yalu River border. Course that turned out to be bull shit. The Chinese would sneak back to the hills durin the day like rats, and wait. I gotta give the fuckers one thing, they were masters at camouflage. They’d go all day covered in leaves, not movin a fucking inch so our reconnaissance planes couldn’t spot em. Then finally reports came to us that there were 50 to 70 thousand of em, but if those reports had added another 250 thousand they woulda been closer to right.”

     “How many Marines were there, Fatty?”

     “Well, girl, let’s see; to give ya an idea how many, ya start with Major General Oliver Smith who led the 1st Marine Division. 1st Marine Division, now they was mostly made up of three infantry regiments: the 1st Marines, the 5th Marines and the 7th Marines, along with the 11th Marines who were an artillery regiment. Got it?”

     Kerrie nodded her head. "Uh huh."

     “Okay now, the division totaled 12 battalions with right around 1,000 men in each battalion.  Then each battalion had anywhere from four to six companies. I led about 180 marines in my company.”

     “What all did you do?”

     “I did the plannin and organizin of the movement of all my men, all our equipment and all our supplies. The brass told me where to take our men, what our objective was and when it was; and then I took care of it.  But by November all through to about mid December, we had to fight our way back out of the mountains and by then the fuckin temperatures dropped to 40 below zero

     Bein a California boy, I’d never seen much snow. That’s not to say I never saw it, we have mountains in California as ya know.  I’d just never seen so much white ground at once. But by the time we left, that ground lay covered in black gunpowder n blood. Damnedest sight I ever saw. Frozen solid too; you could hear your footsteps, crunch, crunch, crunch.

Sergeant Frank C. Kerr, U.S. Marines (Official Marine Corps Photo # A4852)
(http://www.tecom.usmc.mil/HD/images/KWC/Combat_photos/Chosin/A-4852.JPG
      Most of my guys were just kids you know, about your age, 18 or 19. Think about it; outnumbered and cut off behind enemy lines. And every fucking night when the sun went down those fucking Chinese started whooping like God damned Apache Indians comin after covered wagons, blowin bugles and screamin how they were gonna kill us all. The sounds fuckin echoed off the mountains and went on and on.  Then the mother fuckers would come at us in waves and not fuckin stop until dawn’s light crept up. They hit us from every direction, swarmin like hornets.”

     “It sounds like the cold became your enemy like the Chinese,” said Kerrie

     “You got that right girl.  Jesus Christ, the fucking Corpsman had to hold morphine in their mouths to keep it from freezing. Nothin worked in the cold and food got short. We practically lived on fucking Tootsie Rolls for a while. I wouldn’t eat one a those now if you offered to pay me. But you know those fucking things were great for plugging up the bullet holes in tires, even engines; mother fuckers would freeze and hold tight. I can’t say enough about the cold, though. It made our weapons inoperable, so we’d resort to hand to hand fighting like barbarians in the fucking dark; hour after hour in the frozen cold.  Then daylight would come and it became real quiet and you’d see all these shapes layin in the frozen black and red snow, just frozen bodies everywhere and the smell of smoke and blood.

Sergeant Frank C. Kerr, U.S. Marines (Official Marine Corps Photo # A5465)
(http://www.tecom.usmc.mil/HD/images/KWC/Combat_photos/Chosin/A-5465.JPG
     Man, Ground like cement so we couldn’t dig fox holes. We hadda build walls out of the dead bodies; the only way to build a barrier in that frozen wasteland. I didn't feel sorry for the bastards, though. It came down to them or us and by God I wasn’t about to let it be us. They were comin in bigger and bigger numbers so we kept firin at the cocksuckers. I didn’t even give a shit after I looked at their corpses. Hordes and hordes of em so’s you didn’t have to aim, you just shot at the shadows in the dark.  I’d constantly try and keep the morale and fightin spirit up so my men wouldn’t lose heart, same way I kept em goin at Guadalcanal in those unending rains in the Pacific. A Marine doesn’t fucking surrender.”

     “What happened then, Big Fatty?”

Photo DOD (USMC) A546 - Napalm Strike at Chosin - 

     “Jesus girl, by then our division stretched across 80 miles of fucked up terrain and on November 27 we faced an attack from the Chinese troops who had slithered across the border like snakes. During 17 fuckin days of unspeakable types of combat, more’n 4,000 of our Marines were killed or wounded, but we obliterated around 30,000 Chinese slope soldiers. We still had to retreat but we fought like bastards all the way to the fucking sea with near 100 thousand evacuated civilians along for the ride. We fuckin fought our way to freedom through almost 80 miles of unforgiving, mountainous terrain, and we took a ragtag horde of Koreans to safety with us. Every one of my god damned men were heroes.”

     Big Fatty looked at Kerrie and smiled sideways. “I know I was a rough n before then, but Guadalcanal and then the Chosin on top of that, made me a changed man. Seemed like I couldn’t live around normal people so well anymore, even in the military. Part of the reason I got out at 20 instead of stayin to 30 in the Marines. Yeah, it made me see a whole new world and I didn’t like it much and I had a bad reaction to it. I think it took away a part of my sanity.”

     Big Fatty shook his head. “You know we lost about 1,000 at Chosin, but they say the fuckin Chinese lost about 25,000. Fuck em and fuck the US of A when they don’t recognize what we did there in Korea. The fuckin Koreans love us and are grateful. I think the Koreans are the best gook there is. I like em to this day. I’ll say this and dare anybody to call me a liar; our mission in Korea was justified and we defeated communism there. We showed those fuckin Chinamen and God damned Ruskies that they couldn’t just come and take a country. I’m fuckin proud of what I did there. Some other fuckin military leaders were talkin shit about doin away with the Corps before that. Jealous fuckin fools. This God damned country can’t get along without jarheads and that’s that.”


Peace to you all whatever you may choose,
Nancy Frye-Swope, The Retired Biker Housewife

Nancy Frye-Swope 2010 © All Rights Reserved


Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Devil's Deacons Avenge Hawk

Highway 60 – San Bernardino County, California

     The 57 Ford Panel didn’t have much power but it would do the trick. It didn’t stand out and the price meant it could be ditched if needed. The registration belonged to a straw person with a fake Rialto address that couldn’t be traced back to the club. Raider and Greaser would be following in Raider’s 58 red on red Chevy Impala. The 348 Factory Tri-Power with four on the floor, as Greaser said, “Ran like one fast mother fucker.”

     As they cruised down Highway 60 past Redlands, Raider looked over at Greaser in the dark car. Feeling his stare, Greaser looked over at him; his face lit by the glow of the instruments lights. They grinned at each other. The anticipation had resurrected the old familiar thrill of combat. They were going to hit a target that would lay their brother to rest. They ached with the craving to avenge Hawk.

     Up ahead in the van, Bobby, Fatty and Clark Kent were wired up in excitement. They’d all been in some sort of hopeful denial for a while, not accepting that Hawk might not be back. Now, the time for taking care of business was at hand.

     Bobby intended to show his brothers that he had what it took to take care of business despite his lack of combat experience. He had no plans to hotdog, but he wanted them to know that he would take a bullet for them if necessary.

     Kent wiped steam off his glasses with a bandana he’d pulled out of his pocket. He hadn’t knocked any heads in a long time and his blood pumped at high-speed with eagerness. He respected Hawk and thought this might be the most important job he’d pulled since the war.

     Fatty always liked to knock heads. The big old ass kicking biker acted like a soft old teddy bear most of the time; until he got riled up. Fuck with him or those he cared for and he became a wounded grizzly.

     They eased up on the gas and passed up the Desert Edge Motel once, cruised down to the end of town and flipped a U-turn heading west. Gravel crunched under tires that skulked into the parking lot.

     Unit 10 sat at the Northeast corner, next to a walkway into the pool area. A rat-bike sat alongside a car up on cement blocks in front of Unit 10 but it didn’t worry them because Jimmy lived alone and didn’t have any friends. They drove past Unit 10 and pulled into two empty spots in front of Units 12 and 13. The walkway ran alongside Unit 13 back into the pool area.

     Fatty and Bobby followed the walkway around to the back, while Clark Kent stayed in the van keeping it idling. Greaser and Raider stepped out of the Chevy and headed for the front door of Jimmy’s room.

     As they got to the door, Greaser raised his engineer booted size 12 foot and kicked the door in. The flimsy door splintered at the jam and flew inward flat to the floor. Within a beat, they stomped over the door and stormed the room.

     Inside, four men sitting on the sides of a sagging bed looked up with stunned faces. The hazy smoke-filled room reeked of weed, and it billowed out of the doorway like an exhaled cigarette.

     In a matter of seconds, the occupants recovered their senses and grabbed for weapons that lay in the middle of the bed. Delmar came up with a double barreled shotgun and put both rounds into Raider’s chest as Raider yelled, “Oh shit, he’s not by himself!”

     Greaser dropped to the ground and fired his 1911 Colt 45 Auto at Jimmy. Jimmy rolled off the bed but not fast enough to avoid getting shot in the side. He had a chance to return fire but it went wild over Greaser’s head, hitting the windshield of the abandoned car, shattering the glass. Jimmy lay on the floor bleeding, his outstretched hand a foot and a half away from his dropped gun.

     Around back, Fatty and Bobby heard the first shotgun blast prompting Fatty to crash all of his 300 pounds through the patio door. Bobby rolled in after Fatty, shooting his .45 as he stood up, slamming three rounds into Delmar, who dropped to the floor.

     Fatty’s cannonball momentum had slammed him into the third Hades Brother who had been ready to run out the back way. Fatty’s sawed off shotgun had gotten caught up in the drapes when he had made his back entrance, so jerking his bowie knife out of its scabbard hooked to his belt, he stuck the Hades Brother in the gut and pulled upward, gutting him like a slaughterhouse pig.

     Bobby spotted Jimmy’s hand slithering toward his dropped gun, so he emptied two more rounds into him, stopping his hand in its tracks.

     The room stunk of blood and cordite, a scarlet carnage of flesh. The silence after all the gun fire was deafening.  Raider lay crumpled into a pool of blood outside the motel room where the blast had blown him.

     Fatty reached the front door as Greaser yelled at him, “Get Raider in the van now!”

     Clark Kent flew out of the van when he saw what had happened to Raider. He kneeled over him and then looked up at Greaser. “He’s fucking dead, Greaser, he’s dead. We’ve got to get the fuck out of here.”

     Greaser said, “We can’t go back to Long Beach and we don’t leave brothers behind.”

     Clark Kent looked over at Bobby who stood looking down at Raider, “Bobby, remember the party we had up at my folk’s cabin in Big Bear, don’t ya?”

     Bobby said, “Yeah, I remember it. Let’s meet up at the cabin and figure out our next move.”

     Bobby headed for the Chevy. Greaser, close behind him, said, “We’ll split up; you fuckers drive that van normal now, don’t attract any attention. Bobby and I will take the 18 up from Berdoo and come up through Lake Arrowhead and you guys take Highway 30 up from Redlands through Mentone and we’ll meet at the cabin.”

     Fatty lifted Raider’s body into the back of the van and slammed the back doors. He shook his head once, and then lumbered around to the passenger’s side, quickly heaving his big body up into the van. He slammed the door and said, “Agitate the gravel the fuck out of here, man.” Clark Kent threw the idling van into reverse, turned around and left the parking lot, reminding himself to drive normal.

____________________

Peace to you all whatever you may choose,


Nancy Frye-Swope, The Retired Biker Housewife

Nancy Frye-Swope 2010 © All Rights Reserved